The hippopotamus was no ignoramus

I am going to take a minute to talk about hippos.

I just spent an entire weekend closely watching and – if I may be so bold – hanging out with pods of hippos. It only confirmed most of the feelings I have long held, primarily, that the hippopotamus is God’s most divine creature.

He is of flawless design. Just fat enough to float in the waters which make up his home during the hot day, and just muscular enough that he can run up to 30 miles per hour in the cool nighttime in order to get to his grazing spots. For the purposes of eating, a hippo requires nothing more than strong gums in order to chomp long grass, yet he has been given sharp front teeth and a highly levered jaw that will chomp in half any unsuspecting provoker – a nasty surprise for those foolish crocodiles! He won’t eat anything he kills, which means he’d kill you just for fun. He is the only animal to have all of his important facial features on the top of his head, so that he has to lift it only inches above the water in order to breathe, listen and see. He can hold his breath for up to seven minutes, seeking sanctuary in the cold water on hot days. He eats over 250 kilograms of grass in a single evening, but when expelling waste products, the hippo spins his tail in order to cover the most territory possible with his droppings – a highly potent fertilizer that gives back to the earth multiples of what has been taken away.

A hippo has no natural predators, nor does he have any natural prey. He sits and keeps to himself all day, engaging with no food competitors and only the occasional space invader.

And yet, the hippo is full of contradictions! He’s so fat, yet speedy; aggressive, but vegetarian; massive and rotund, but with tiny little wiggling ears; adorably cute, but the deadliest animal in Africa; thick-skinned, but surprisingly sensitive, both to the harsh sunlight that damages his skin, and to the plight of weaker animals who may be outmatched by predators and require a hippo’s kindly protection.

More than anything, the hippopotamus is what I strive to be. He has a tough exterior but a sensitive soul. He is a hard worker for short bouts and then takes the rest of the day off to lounge in the sun. He eats more than you can possibly fathom. He may seem oblivious to what is going on around him, but in truth he is just fearless – smart enough to not be bothered unless something is of truly grave importance. He gives nothing away, with the best poker face on the planet. His body is pure perfection – that sleek, grey silhouette, those three perfectly balanced toes, all allowing for elegant motion both in and out of the water, land and water both being equally suitable for the highly adaptable hippo. He seems so silly, but beneath that goofy veneer you would rue the day you ever fucked with him! For if you were to cross his path maliciously, attempting to attack a loved one or merely wandering into his territory, any perceived slight will be returned with a vengeance. He may look fat, sweet and lazy, and he may wait patiently for his opportunity to strike you back, but there can be no doubt that after carefully laying his plans and preparing for his retaliation, the hippo will destroy you.

Best, really, to stay on his good side.